


Like Cupcakes

by chaosmanor



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Kaiju Dildos, Knotting Dildos, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sex Toys, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-19
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-08 04:40:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3195656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaosmanor/pseuds/chaosmanor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An attempt to find Cougar's preferred hat supplier goes wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Cupcakes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [roane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roane/gifts).



> "Sex toys are like cupcakes. When you have one or two, you keep them hidden in the cupboard. When you own a couple of dozen, you just want to share them with all of your friends." -The Internet

Jensen was tidying up the job, picking through the data he'd scraped on his way through the Company files, shaking all of the pockets for the loose change, that sort of thing.

"Stop giggling," Clay said, pulling a chair up at the table in the hotel room Jensen had claimed for his gear. 

"Am not," Jensen said, but he probably was, because the Company was crap at keeping track of its expenses and there was a fuckload of cash just waiting for someone like him to pick up.

"You are," Clay said, then he leaned closer and dropped his voice. "Got a side job for you. Top secret."

"More secret than this?" Jensen whispered back, because really? They were going to have to set fire to yet another hotel room on their way out, to make sure they cleaned up properly.

"Top, top secret," Clay whispered. "Cougar's birthday. Find out what he wants, and get it for him, from all of us."

Jensen stopped watching the progress bar for the cleansing bot on his laptop screen and stared at Clay. "No fucking way?"

Clay nodded. 

"What are you thinking of?" Jensen whispered.

"A hat?" Clay asked. "Find out where he gets his?"

This was a bad fucking idea.

"This is such a bad fucking idea," Jensen said. 

"So you'll do it?" Clay asked, and Jensen nodded.

 

Later, after Clay had run through the op debrief, Pooch was about to supervise the loadout from the hotel. Jensen waved his arms in the air before Pooch could criticise the packing of even one trolley.

"Losers," Jensen said. "In light of where we have just been, I will be checking the authentication of everyone's VPNs. Hand over all of your devices for a mandatory hygiene assessment."

"Fucking hell," Pooch said, dropping his phone on the couch beside Jensen, then putting his laptop on the coffee table. "Right when there's heavy lifting to be done."

"Don't you dare look at anything," Clay said, handing over his phone and tablet. 

"Clear your search history, children," Cougar said. "Always use stealth mode on your browser."

"I hate you," Aisha said, handing over her phone. "Don't you dare mess with my menstrual tracking app again."

"Don't use that kind of app," Jensen said. "It's a fucking security risk!"

Aisha glared at Jensen, and Jensen swallowed. "Okay," he said.

Cougar dropped his phone on Jensen's lap and handed over his netbook. "Dude," Cougar said. 

"Sure, sure," Jensen said. "Everyone thinks I'm neurotic, right up until someone tries to breach the system, and then it's all 'Jensen! Save us from the evil virus!'"

"You're a dick," Pooch said, lifting a shockproof hard case onto a trolley.

Yep, Pooch was right. 

Jensen ran through everyone's settings, actually checking the VPN protocols and connectivity, because Pooch and Aisha, at least, would know enough to look. Gear trundled past as he worked, but he screened out the bickering and noise. 

The browser history on Cougar's netbook was empty, and Jensen was secretly proud. And annoyed. But mostly proud.

He opened the command line box and tapped for a few seconds. Now, Cougar's netbook would send Jensen's server friendly updates on Cougar's browsing, and hopefully online hat purchasing, and everything would be fine.

Because there was nothing Jensen wanted to receive regular updates on more than Cougar's porn viewing habits. If Jensen could have smacked himself in the face with Cougar's netbook without anyone noticing, he would have. 

*

Jensen checked the data from Cougar's browsing the next day, mostly to confirm the process was working. Hat purchasing was presumably an occasional event, though hat browsing could be Cougar's favorite activity. Jensen was about to find out. 

Baseball scores. Central American news service. Baseball player profiles. Baseball live stream. Takeway food delivery, in direct contravention of their standing security policies. (Jensen had no intention of informing Clay of this, since he'd just had pizza and beer delivered to his home, rather than the burritos and beer Cougar had chosen.) More baseball scores. Gossip site update on some ghastly reality TV show about a dance troupe? 

For the first time, Jensen felt like he seeing something of Cougar that was never intended for anyone else's eyes.

Returning to pages on _LMP_ teams was something of a relief. 

Another string loaded, and Jensen was not looking at a batter from Mayos de Navojoa. Oh no. Jensen was looking at a website that sold dildos. Very classy, very well-designed and sophisticated silicone dildos.

"Fuck," Jensen told his pizza. "Fuck, fuck."

This was not like the time he had picked his way through Clay's browsing history (tits and ass) or Pooch's credit card purchases (flavored lube). This was a whole new level of personal.

Jensen closed the page.

Then opened it again. 

Yep, that was still a ribbed and studded dildo from a pretend dragon, available in four sizes and a range of colors. Cougar had looked at the three 'new release' designs, opening up the specs of each, then clicked through to the user forums. Jensen followed, intrigued and a little worried about why a dildo-selling site would have user forums. 

So people could talk about their experiences using dildos, apparently. And cleaning dildos. And sometimes trading dildos. And post photos of themselves with their dildo collections. Wow, that was a really very big dildo that young man had. 

If Cougar had posted a photo of himself online anywhere, with or without a range of studded, plated or ridged sex toys, Jensen was going to have to run Security 101 for the team again…

No immediate photos of Cougar appeared, and without knowing Cougar's screen name, Jensen couldn't easily work out which of the posts were his. Nope, that ass wasn't Cougar's. Or that one. Or that one.

Jensen hit the back tab when he found himself zooming in on a photo of some stranger's bottom, dreading and kind of hoping that he'd find the tiny birthmark Cougar had down low on the left buttock. That way lay madness, and Jensen needed to find something else to do rather than obsessively hunt for photos of Cougar's ass online. 

*

"Well?" Clay asked.

Jensen switched the cleaning patch for a bore brush and run the brush through the barrel of his pistol. "What?"

"What have you found out?" Clay asked, looking up from the table they were stripping and cleaning the sidearms on. Outside in Pooch's yard, Cougar was pinned to the lawn by Aisha. 

Aisha was definitely cranky. 

Jensen ran a new cleaning patch through the bore and checked the patch for grime. 

"What do you think Cougar's online name would be?" Jensen asked. "You know, if he had a secret identity."

"He buys his hats anonymously?" Clay asked, and Jensen nodded.

"This kind of stuff is your area," Clay said. "Wouldn't he just be Cougar?"

Jensen reached for the gun oil. "Huh. Hadn't thought of that."

Cougar picked himself up off the lawn and limped back towards Pooch's house, past the swing set.

"Your turn," Clay said cheerfully. 

Cougar punched Jensen's shoulder amiably, on the way past, and all Jensen could think of was the tiny birthmark.

"What's the drill today?" Jensen asked Aisha, as she tossed him a bluntish training combat knife.

"Disarm me before I disarm you," Aisha said, showing him the matching blade in her hand.

Pooch's yard, secluded and private, made an excellent training ground. The neighbors hadn't called the cops on them once. Jensen aspired to change that.

"Okay," Jensen said, running a thumb over the edge of the knife to check it genuinely was blunt enough to handle safely. It was. 

He shoved the knife down his pants, inside his shorts, and ran at Aisha full speed with his arms out-stretched, shouting inarticulately. 

Aisha felled him, inevitably, but he took her down with him, both hands on the wrist of her knife hand. While she kneed his back and punched his side repeatedly, Jensen whacked her hand against the lawn over and over, until she released the knife and he grabbed it.

"I win! I win!" Jensen shouted, leaping around the yard, both knives held high, while Clay and Pooch laughed and pointed, and Aisha swore. 

Jensen went to hand the knives back to Aisha, and she said, "I don't want that knife back. You go and wash your underpant funk off it, you dick."

The clean knives, Aisha did take back. "Not a lot of real world applications for your technique, are there?" she said, packing the blades away in her training duffel.

"No," Jensen agreed. "And I've got some impressive bruises, in exchange for doing zero damage, so it's really not viable except in training."

Aisha crossed her arms and considered Jensen. "Sneakiness is worth training, but next time you have to actually take your beating."

"Or, I might beat you," Jensen said.

Aisha made a scoffing noise.

*

Jensen went back to the giant dildo site that night, ready to try the more obvious variants of Cougar as a screen name. Five attempts later, it was clear that Cougars, and large cats in general, were very, very popular as usernames on the site, and he was going to have find something else. 

Baseball teams were less popular, and he found a series of forum posts from a username the same as the mascot of Cougar's adored team. 

One thread, on the Please Advise forum, asked whether the medium or the soft was better for one of the toys, and had anyone successfully knotted the extra large. 

"Choose the soft," Jensen said to his screen. "Always choose the soft option. And why the fuck would anyone want to tie an extra large dildo in a knot?" How was that even possible?

Jensen opened another tab and found the toy under discussion, a long, scaly dildo with a big lump at the bottom. The dimensions of the extra large were scary, with a useable length of twelve inches and a shaft circumference of eight inches. The dimension chart also listed the circumference of the knot (an alarming eleven inches) and Jensen tipped his head sideways, trying to get the math to work, while staring at the comparison photo of the extra large toy with a soda can. 

"Noooooo," Jensen said. "That's not okay."

The internet, when Jensen searched on knots, was astonishingly informative, and Jensen was never going to be quite the same man again. 

*

Jensen didn't go back to the site for a couple of days, until the updates from Cougar's netbook dragged him back again.

The pattern of page loads looked like a purchase. Jensen was a weak, stupid man, at least according to Aisha, and over-burdened with curiosity, according to all of the team. A curious and stupid man, in possession of Cougar's account name and familiar with Cougar's online habits, would be capable of working out what Cougar's password was. Oh yes. 

Cougar was apparently taking advantage of the site's current sales promotion, and had ordered an extra large, very long dildo, and in order to receive a 15% discount, had selected 'surprise me' as the color option. Honestly, given the length of that thing, the color of it was not going to be the thing that caused the surprise, in Jensen's opinion. 

Before Jensen reconsidered his status as both stupid and curious, he logged out of Cougar's account, set up a blandly generic account of his own, and ordered the same toy for himself, also in 'surprise me'.

Six beers later, Jensen logged back into his new account and ordered himself one of everything in Cougar's purchase history, because why the fuck not? He had all this lifted Company money, and nothing better to spend it on than expensive dildos shaped like dragon penises. 

Jensen's life was sometimes very weird.

*

A week later, and very sober, Jensen took delivery of an enormous carton. Large cartons did arrive at his house, sure, often containing equipment shipped by Pooch, who was too fucking lazy to just drive the supplies over, so this wasn't too unusual. The carton scanned as innocuous and inert, so Jensen hauled it into his living room and slit the top open. 

"Uh oh," Jensen muttered, lifting the first dildo out of the box and examining it through its clear wrapper. "Uh oh, uh oh."

The box, when unpacked, provided Jensen with eleven dildos in sizes ranging from 'potentially usable' to 'astonishing'. The colors varied from 'fleshy', through 'inflamed', to 'sparkle party'. A quick comparison of the manifest and Jensen's order history revealed that the 'sparkle party' toy, in exuberant swirls of pink and purple glitter, was the 'surprise me' option. Jensen considered himself surprised, definitely. 

Four of the toys came equipped with tubes and large syringes, for loading up with copious amounts of lube and then squirting. The dildo company thoughtfully provided complimentary bottles of squirty lube as well.

Came equipped.

Jensen was unintentionally hilarious at times, and he wasn't afraid to admit it. 

And that was how, ten minutes later, Jensen wound up naked on his bed, with the smallest toy in his hand, pouring lube into the syringe. The toy was kind of thin and long and bendy, and looked not at all scary. 

"Cougar," Jensen said to himself. "You have no idea of the things I do because of you."

The tip of the toy, slippery with lube, was kind of wriggly and weird against Jensen's ass. Jensen pushed gingerly on the toy, expecting resistance or something, but the tip went right inside him smoothly. A bit more of a push, and Jensen had to reposition his hand, so much of the toy was inside him.

"Oh," he said. 

It felt…

It felt okay. Kind of good. Weird? Yeah, weird and pointy, but not uncomfortable or wrong. 

More pushing, and the toy was up to the thicker bit, the knot, and Jensen was breathing harder. 

Intense. And his dick had joined the party, so it sure liked the feelings in a way that didn’t have a lot to do with Jensen's brain. 

Pushing more was ouchy, then Jensen remembered the syringe of lube, already full and connected to the toy. Ease the toy back a bit, squeeze the plunger to push some lube in—wow, did that feel weird—and try pushing the toy again. 

It went in a bit further, and sweet fuck, but that felt good. It was like a perfect storm of tingling and pressure and stretching. Jensen jerked at his cock with his free hand and squirmed back on to the toy, desperately trying to get as much of the width in as possible.

He came, loud and intense, his ass clamping around the knot of the toy.

Okay, firstly, he got it. He was willing to admit he had been wrong, and Cougar was right, and these things were the best fucking idea ever. 

Secondly, ow, it stung pulling that toy out. 

Thirdly, he was never fucking telling anyone, ever. 

*

It was a terrible mistake to hold one of the toys against his own dick, for comparison purposes. There wasn't an erection on the planet with a large enough ego to deal with that experience. 

Jensen felt humbled, and rather sad for a while, until he got the lube out again. 

*

The site had a wish list function. Ordering everything on Cougar's wish list and shipping it to him had seemed like a good idea at the time, but the cold, clear and sober light of the next dawn pointed out the obvious flaws in Jensen's use of the wish list.

That was how Jensen wound up knocking on Cougar's condo door.

Cougar opened the door and stood aside to let Jensen into his condo. "Did we have plans?" Cougar asked. 

"No," Jensen said. "I've done something, and I have to tell you about it, because it was stupid."

Cougar shrugged, managing to convey an eternity of cool acceptance of all of Jensen's flaws in one small movement, and pointed at his couch.

"Dude," Cougar said, sitting down at the other end of the couch. 

That was Cougar-code for 'what have you done?' and 'I will help you clean it up'.

Jensen took a deep breath and started talking.

"Clay asked me to find out where you get your hats from, and what size you wore, and to order you a hat for your birthday. So I ran online surveillance on you."

Cougar made an appalled sound of dismay.

"It gets worse," Jensen admitted. "Instead of buying you a hat, I found your wish list on that sex toy site, and bought you all of those instead." 

Cougar lifted an eyebrow slowly and incredulously.

"And now I need your help," Jensen rushed on. "Because Clay is asking about the hat, and I need you to tell him I bought you a fucking hat for your birthday, not a long list of big-arsed dildos."

Cougar lifted the other eyebrow.

"Sorry, wrong phrase there. Awesome dildos, shaped like fucking dragon dicks and actual huge tentacles and stuff."

Cougar grinned, and Jensen felt himself blush.

"Okay," he admitted. "I ordered myself some too, and fuck it, that was like the best moment of my life, and I have no idea how I didn't know that sticking silicone things in my ass with loads of lube would be so awesome, but I do now. I'd really appreciate it if you would not tell the others about that bit as well."

Cougar was laughing--hanging on to his ribs, bent over and choking—laughing. Jensen had no idea why.

"Also, while I'm telling you astonishingly embarrassing things," Jensen said, "I have to say that I had a real moment of inadequacy when I saw the size of those things, because I'm just an ordinary dude with an ordinary dick, and I can't possibly match one of those giant dragon things. I can never compete with a dragon dick."

Cougar looked like he was about to burst something important in his cardiovascular system, and Jensen was worried. 

"Anyway," Jensen said. "Could you lie for me?"

After a couple of deep breaths, Cougar stopped laughing enough to speak. "Firstly, I will lie for you, because you are the best. Secondly, and I can't believe I need to explain this to you, but those things work two ways. I like using them on other people, not on me."

Jensen stared at Cougar. A lot. 

Eventually Cougar patted his shoulder, and said, "Wanna see my collection?"

Flailing. Flailing would be uncool, and Jensen liked to be cool. 

Cougar had a set of brackets in his closet, holding all of his dildos in rows. 

"What are they?" Jensen asked, examining the brackets, still aiming for cool. Also, he'd not resolved his own storage issues, and damn but Cougar was organised. 

"Hairdryer holders," Cougar said. "Bathroom supply store. Which ones do you like?"

Cougar didn't have a sparkle party extra long dildo? Cougar's 'surprise me' option had turned out to be tastefully mottled coffee and cream? Why?

"You like it?" Cougar asked, lifting coffee-and-cream out of its rack and hefting its long, flexible shaft. 

Jensen nodded.

Coffee-and-cream was heavy, when Cougar draped it around Jensen's shoulders, pulling it in tight around the back of Jensen's neck, bending Jensen's head closer to Cougar's.

"Then get on the bed," Cougar whispered against Jensen's ear. 

So, that was how Jensen wound up naked, face down on Cougar's bed, with his eyes closed. He could hear Cougar moving around the room, putting things on the bed, humming quietly, like on a stake out. 

Jensen wasn't sure how he felt about his naked ass being part of Cougar's stake out mindset. Then Cougar nudged his hips, and when Jensen lifted himself up, slid something soft and thick underneath him, like a towel, and Jensen might have whimpered a bit. 

That was cool. It was all very cool. He was cool. He was sure Cougar did this lots, and had mad skills at this, as well as at everything else.

The bed settled under Cougar's weight, and Jensen could feel the heat of his skin.

"You tell me if anything doesn't feel good," Cougar said, his hand spread across Jensen's back. 

Jensen opened his eyes and peered at Cougar between the folds of his arms. 

"What are you going to do?"

"Good things," Cougar said.

Cougar was naked, when Jensen lifted his arm to look at Cougar more closely. 

A small part of Jensen did a happy dance at that idea, so he rearranged himself on the towel to accommodate it.

"Tell me if you don't like anything, or want me to stop?" Cougar asked, and Jensen nodded. 

Cougar's hand moved down Jensen's back, over his spine, smoothing the bands of muscle in his mid-back, then settling on one of Jensen's buttocks. 

The noise Cougar made was deep in his throat, a long, rumbling growl of contentment.

Oh fuck, that was how Jensen felt about the small birthmark on Cougar's ass. 

Cougar moved, kneeling up beside Jensen. A snapping plastic sound was followed by Cougar's fingers, cool and slippery with lube, sliding down the crack of Jensen's ass. The slipperiness spread around as Cougar's fingers flickered, then something smooth and blunt pressed against Jensen's ass. 

Jensen exhaled, the pressure increased, and then the head of the toy was inside him. Cougar's hand moved it steadily and carefully, with far more precision than Jensen had ever managed on himself, and the pressure kept on growing in Jensen's ass. 

It was almost too much, the push and the sting, and Cougar stopped pressing in. Jensen worked it out, right then, that Cougar knew him so well, knew everything about him, and would always stop at exactly the right moment. 

"Yeah, let go," Cougar said, and his leg settled across Jensen's. 

Jensen let go, and Cougar pushed on the toy again, gentle and steady, easing it all the way in.

Jensen's body settled around the knot at the bottom of the toy, holding it in, and the feeling inside was astonishing, like every nerve in his body was on fire with pleasure, rushing through him, making him sweat and tremble. He thought he might come very soon, especially when Cougar moved again, and Cougar's hard cock pressed into his thigh. 

"More?" Cougar asked, and Jensen nodded. 

"You're so beautiful like this," Cougar said, and Jensen moaned as the toy slid out of his ass. 

The next one felt different, flatter and rougher, and it seemed like Cougar's hands pushed and poked for a long time. Then, in one blinding moment, something slid into Jensen, and he found himself gasping at the feeling.

"Cold now," Cougar said, just before the familiar feeling of lube squirting inside. 

Cougar moved, straddling Jensen's legs, and began to push on the toy. This one didn't sting and didn't get wider, it just kept on going.

It was the sparkle party toy? Long, lean and flexible, with a bulbous head? Oh, yes.

The pushing just kept on, with breaks for flexing and thrusting. Jensen felt scattered somehow, not able to keep track of what he was feeling or separate it from the weight of Cougar on his legs or the heavy sound of Cougar's breathing. 

"I'm going to want to fuck you," Cougar said, sounding remarkably casual and unconcerned. "How do you feel about it?"

"Please," Jensen said. "Do it."

Jensen could hear Cougar's grin, he could fucking hear it. 

The toy came out, slowly and carefully, spreading a lot of lube around. The condom wrapper tore, and Jensen lifted himself up onto one shoulder to watch Cougar roll the rubber on. 

Oh yes. He was a very happy man. 

Cougar pulled Jensen onto his side and pressed up against his back. A small push, and Cougar's cock was in Jensen's ass. Cougar's hand, wet with lube, wrapped around Jensen's cock.

Jensen thrashed. Yelled. Swore. Sweated. Came his fucking brains out in the most intense whole-body explosive lightshow he'd ever felt. 

Then, Cougar bit his shoulder hard enough to sting, fucked him hard and sharp for a few more seconds, and flopped against Jensen's side. 

Jensen couldn't move. It just wasn't possible. Cougar didn't seem to mind, sprawled beside Jensen on the bed. 

"Idea," Cougar said. "Send everyone toys. From me."

Jensen thought about it, at least as much as he was able to. 

"Sure," he said. "Why not? Everyone should feel this fucking awesome."

Later, Jensen stretched, making bits crack as he rolled over, and asked, "What was the whole reality show dancing thing about?"

Cougar smacked his ass, sticky and sharp on the mess of lube. "Some things are private."

Jensen closed his eyes and thought about snoozing. "'Scool. I'll delete the code, right after this nap…"

A moment later, something nudged against his forearms insistently. Jensen opened his eyes reluctantly to find Cougar's netbook being pushed across the pillow. 

"Now." Cougar said. "Delete now."

*

Clay brought his toy to the next training session, brandishing the large wriggly green tentacle as though it was a firearm.

"Who?" Clay shouted, slamming it down on Pooch's coffee table. "How did this get sent to me? Is this a security disaster? Is Cthulhu after us?"

"Cthulhu might want to date you," Jensen said, picking the tentacle up and inspecting it, then handing it to Aisha. "But not kill you. Well, not immediately."

"How come you were lucky enough to get a tentacle?" Pooch asked. "I got something with ridges and studs. Gave it to the missus."

Jensen wondered if Jolene would give it right back to Pooch, with lube.

Clay looked at Aisha. "What did you get?"

Aisha smiled smugly. "A treat. Jensen?"

"I think it was an alien probe," Jensen said. "Kind of long and pointy?"

Aisha, Clay and Pooch looked at Cougar. 

Cougar shrugged. "Don't buy me hats. I buy my own hats."

"What would you like for your birthday next time, then?" Clay asked. 

"I like cupcakes," Cougar said.

END

**Author's Note:**

> Entirely for research purposes, I spent a lot of time on the [Bad Dragon](http://bad-dragon.com/) website.


End file.
